sober is the new drunk

soaked in caffeine and
smelling of this week’s smoke and
last night’s wine
i resolve
to go on a master cleanse

i start following three vegan and
three fitspo
Instagram accounts

i also spend some time
scrolling
through photos of blonde women
laughing
on beaches
doing yoga
or with salad
or on dedicated juice retreats

they all have very good skin and
their teeth
look very expensive

i suspect
that they wear ‘outfits’
instead of clothes

i suspect
that the jokes the salad leaves
are telling
i would not understand

i wonder who takes these photos

i wonder
what these glossy maned
glossy teethed
tailored
contoured
coutured
women have to ‘retreat’ from

i wonder
if they have ever got so drunk
another woman
had to hold back their hair
while another held the door
while their insides
were cleansed
in a toilet cubicle
of a club

i look up a grapefruit diet online and
book three gym classes and
buy some new conditioner

‘for damaged hair’

i find a picture of melon slices
covered with exotic fruits
that is called ‘pizza’

i get an email inviting me on a juice crawl
‘the friendship crawl’
it costs fifty dollars
but
i will get a free mason jar

there is a juice shot
that is called ‘mr feelgood’
and another
that is called ‘viagra’

i think
i would like to ‘retreat’
from ‘mr feelgood’
but
i wonder
if i am missing
something

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